I know that my experience with divorce is unique, and many people can't go about the decisions of how to spend holidays like we did. I hope anyone who reads this only finds hope and possibly inspiration from this post.
Another Christmas has come and gone. For the second year since our separation, David and I have spent a good portion of Christmas day together.
I know a lot of people that either cannot fathom spending this holiday with their ex, or they see no benefit in forcing that togetherness. Sometimes I wish I was one of those people, trust me. But I am not other people, and I've always dealt with our situation in my own unique way.
Last Christmas was our first as a separated couple. As in, we had both been living in our own places for most of the year, and were discussing what the next step would be in pursuit of divorce. There was no talk of reconcilliation. We were only taking our time because we were mulling over whether we wanted to deal with selling the house first before filing.
So when talk of Christmas eve and Christmas day plans came up, it seemed that all of our family traditions we'd created thus far were defunct and no longer plausible.
At least, to a less determined person than I, they would have been.
I've spent the last two years trying to prove that divorce does not have to be chaotic and fraught with despair and anger. Just because I could no longer stay married to David did not mean he was not the father of my child. If I could conduct myself through this separation and divorce with decorum and respect for him because of that fact, why couldn't I do so during the biggest holiday for our family?
As discussions of Christmas plans arose, I realized that just as with everything else that's happened during this transition time, I didn't feel the need to go along the expected soon-to-be-a-divorced-parent path. Why should one of us miss out on Christmas morning with our son every other year? I certainly didn't want to miss the precious few years I had left with Gabriel splitting Christmas morning with David bi-yearly if I didn't have to. So I proposed we do Christmas eve and Christmas morning together.
We agreed going out to dinner with David's sister and her family was a great alternative to our previous Christmas eve family party tradition. It was neutral, and still something we could all enjoy. It also meant we could go back to our own houses for the night. We also agreed to do Christmas morning at my house, so Gabriel spent the night with me. The idea was that once Gabriel woke up, we'd call David to come over, and we'd wait for him. Boy, was that an exercise of patience for both Gabriel and myself! I lost count of the number of times I said, "Your dad is going to be here any minute! Put that present down!" But David lived close, so it didn't take long for him to arrive.
We exchanged gifts, and David and I both got to enjoy the excited delight Gabriel showed exploring the contents of his stocking and opening his presents. We had both also taken Gabriel shopping for each other, so that we could continue teaching Gabriel to enjoy giving as well as receiving. Gabriel was able to present both Mom and Dad with his gifts, and see us open them with joy. I made breakfast and we watched the Disney Christmas special as Gabriel played with his new loot.
It might have been a little uncomfortable, I won't lie. Of course the fact that we were separated and pursuing divorce was floating in the recesses of both our minds. Was I ready for a break after breakfast was done? Yes, I was.
But there's reasons for why I did it, both selfish and not. I don't think its fair to divorced parents to have to miss out on their children's holiday joys. My mom enjoyed the Christmas season so much, and it broke her heart every other year when she couldn't spend Christmas with me. David and I have very few years left with Gabriel as a child, and I don't want either of us to miss out. But more importantly, if I can't teach Gabriel what a successful marriage looks like, I am going to show him to the best of my ability how to handle divorce or a break up in as healthy a way as possible. More than that, I can teach him that even if we lose romantic love for someone, they can still be our family. And I've always taught Gabriel that family, whether by blood or by choice, is incredibly important.
As part of the Christmas plans, we agreed Gabriel would go with David to his family's for dinner, since my family does their Christmas celebration the week before. I even stopped by his family's house to say "hi" to everyone, and I was welcomed with open arms. I didn't stay longer than an hour, but Gabriel was excited to see me there, and David's family was able to witness firsthand how well David and I were dealing with our situation. Gabriel then spent the night with me, because it was my night according to the normal schedule.
Fast forward a year later.
This has been quite a year for David and I. We spent the first half of it prepping the house in order to place it on the market. It sold in a frenzy over the course of a weekend. Then we worked together to get moved into our separate new places that allowed us to keep Gabriel in the same school, and within walking distance. It still took me until October to file for divorce.
I could try saying none of the past year would have worked if I hadn't continually pushed for us to work together. It wouldn't matter how much I pushed, if David hadn't been amenable to us doing so. It's so difficult, I know, to not let emotions cloud our judgement and force our actions. It takes a lot of self discipline and redirecting back to the course we'd set for ourselves, by both of us.
This Christmas went the same as last year's. With the exception being that we had a small Christmas eve get-together at a mutual friend's house, and we did Christmas morning at David's place instead of mine. I am happy to report it was just as successful as last year, even with the added knowledge that we have officially filed for divorce. I took Gabriel shopping for his dad's gifts, and this year I even made Gabriel wrap the presents himself. (He could use some additional practice in wrapping, I'm just saying.) David did the same.
I may have had some melancholy moments this holiday season, but it was more due to the knowledge that I crave my own holiday traditions, new and old, and during this transition period it is hard to create those. My mom instilled in me the desire to embrace the holiday season and all its' magic. My decision to pursue divorce did not cancel out the fact that I've always enjoyed creating the holiday experience not just for Gabriel, but for my family. I'd like the opportunity to light up someone special again with Christmas cheer and magic. All in good time, I know.
So tonight, I settle into the feeling of peace that my son's life is the best David and I can make it. We are by no means perfect, and we are learning how to do this as we go. Which means we are staying flexible. Even when it comes to Christmas morning. And that's all I could truly hope for, and what I will continue to strive for in coming years.
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